Monday, 19 January 2009

  • Can one wrong take away all the rights?

    I saw John today. He dropped off my ring that i had left at his house the last time i was with him-it was the last "thing". I knew he was coming for a few days (we text & he said he'd be here Sunday, today) so i had time to prepare myself. It has been 5 months since it was over between us, "whatever" it was, so i should have been okay with seeing him. I wasn't. I mean part of me was so happy to see him... SO happy; he looked great, cute as ever, omg! i wanted to kiss him so bad. If you only could understand the kissing between us!! The other part of me wanted to break down & cry i have been devastated over him all this time but i didn't want to be selfish as i know i can be & it wouldn't be fair to put him on the spot like that knowing his obvious nonexistent feelings & my obvious exact opposite. Anyway, i wrote him a letter in the days prior, well actually like 3 letters, that i was planning on giving him. I chose one & had it in my pocket when he pulled up, my heart stopped & time (again!), hardly any words came out of my mouth right. Ugh! I did manage to ask him if he was still mad at me (after the ending of "whatever" it was i was devastated & had gone through many, MANY emotions & 2 months after the fact i saw him & we had it out. I was furious & hurt & depressed & not to make any excuses (i am not) drunk as hell. I totally embarrassed him i'm sure but it was NOT my intention; i was hurting & i just needed him to know that & well, he NEVER talks or says anything---i was so frustrated! Okay, so that's it but... i didn't give him the letter. I did ask him if he was still mad at me after making some small talk, he didn't answer. I had said something along the lines of i'm sorry & i wish he could forgive me that i had been through hell (don't hold me word for word). After seeing the look on his face i asked him if he knew what forgiveness means, that forgiving me didn't mean we would have to be together but it would just mean to forgive & let me move on. He said public humiliation was not something he could forgive. Ya know, i am certain he's forgiven people for less in his past, this just can not be the one thing that to him is unforgivable, can it be? I KNOW what i did was ugly, and immature, and stupid to say the least... So what i am really doing here right now is number one i can't stop crying again or sleep & number two i just wanted to write the letter for nothing more than to get it out... you people here have become "my people" & i just gotta get it out right now: 

     

    Dear John,

    I never get an opportunity to say anything to you so i am going to take whatever little one this gives me!

    I wish you could forgive me for that night; i was stupid and immature and if i could take it back i would in a minute i swear (i've told you this)! It drives me crazy to think that is how you remember me now instead of the young girl you once knew all those years ago, the girl who YOU were the first boy she ever kissed, the girl you were crazy about and who you cared for back when or even the woman you found all those years later (23 years later) who was broken down & tired of it all but you showed her how to love someone again-you! the woman who gave you her all, who made love to you all night long with everything she had inside for you or who would have done anything for you and did. Remember her.

    Forgiving me (or anyone for that matter) doesn't mean being together again but would just give me some peace & ability to let this situation subside. Knowing that you would care enough to give me that after all i've lost (my dignity, self pride, my heart, etc...) would mean the world to me.

    I have had such a hard time moving on after you! Not just the things we'd gone through (i stopped beating myself up over that finally or trying to place blame on anyone and let it go) or the way it ended but all the feelings i had for you and still do. John, it's been TOO much for one person. I went through emotions i didn't even know existed, some i didn't think were even human at times. There are not words really to describe what i have gone through.

    Well, 5 months have gone by now and to be honest i still miss you and i still love you. In a perfect world you would come back and love me and be with me forever. I have come back to reality though and i know that is never gonna happen and i accept that and i am okay with that but the not forgiving me part is killing me, each day a piece of me is dying inside.

    So now, there is nothing left! I'm here as i have been left to deal with this all on my own, to be honest sometimes i wonder how i am even doing it myself or i am really not. Do you have a heart? Do you hate me that much? Do you just not care. So many things left usaid. It's hard John and after all that we have been through and after all the emotions and feelings and heartbreak and more heartbreak over you is what i am asking greater in comparison?

    Susan

     

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