So, January 2nd, 2009... HERE YOU ARE!!

I didn't want to make "Resolutions" because all they do is set you up for failure. I have been giving alot of wrongs in my life alot of thought thanx to years end & i finally got the time to log on here to write my "List" of the things i would like to accomplish; things like buy a house, buy a new car, lose 30 pounds, laugh more, go to Church more and then the things like remove John out of my "favs" (i know it sounds silly but i have not been able to as of yet!), take off his bracelet finally that is SO a reminder of the second first date when i fell in love with him which to me is a REALLY BIG deal... things to this nature. So i log on... figured i'd read a couple of the recently posted blogs first when i stumble upon this title that caught my eye---the first blog i opened tonight:

The year I finally knew what love was

I'm looking back at 2008. I'm thinking about how lucky I am. I've never looked back at a year and been so satisfied before. Usually I just hope the next year will be better. But 2008 was the best year I've ever had so how can ask for more? I can't. Someone came into my life that has changed me forever. Changed my outlook on life. Changed how I view love. I've never been such an optimistic person.

This man that's now in my life was my very first boyfriend. My first love. We were together when we were 12. I was crazy about him then. I even carved his initials into my arm. I was a messed up child but I've explained some of that in my other post about my father. Of course things didn't last. We grew up living different lives with different friends. I ended up moving to North Carolina when I was 15.

Fast forward 16 years. Still living in NC. Jan 1st of 2008. My 2nd husband has just left me. Says he can't handle it. It takes me 2 weeks to get over him. I had tried breaking it off with him 3 times before but he kept convincing me to give him another chance. So I did. Stupidly.

So 2 weeks later after New Years Day I get a Myspace message from my very first boyfriend. Asking how I am. I tell him about how my husband just left me but I'm fine cause I didn't want to be with him either. We send messages back and forth all day. Then I give him my number so we can talk more. He calls. It's like we've been friends all this time. We have the same sense of humor. We make each other laugh. We talk every single day now. Feelings start to emerge again. But he lives in California. In the same city we grew up in. We decide, because these feelings keep growing, for him to fly out here and see if there's anything to this.

He fly's out in  mid February. It turns out the feelings are more intense than we could ever imagine. Nothing like we've ever felt before. It's like we've been together forever. Finishing each others sentences. Understanding the warped sense of humor we have. It's amazing!

So he never left. He's been here ever since. The relationship has been amazing the whole time. I'm completely and totally in love with this man who was my first love. I still have initials carved in my arm. It's like we had to go through all these difficult relationships to end up together at the right time in our lives.

Even if it doesnt last. I will forever remember 2008 as the best year of my life. The year I finally knew what love was.

I'll try again tomorrow...

(Preface: read the other blogs if you want to know the whole story about me & him)

If i were not me & i heard my "story" i would think... "Geez girl, get a backbone would ya." or "Get over it already!!" or something like that but... sadly... i AM me & well, i am just SO freaking brokenhearted & i just can NOT get over it, it's pathetic i know. I mean, it's not the terrible things i've done, it's not the things that only we know (well almost only us know), it's not the no goodbye thing... i'm over all that. It's the feelings i've always felt for him, it's the way i still feel inside, the feelings i still have for him, the ache in my chest that will just NOT go away. I miss him still. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions since i met him & i DO want off but i just really, really love him.

I just miss him.

"John, I miss you Baby!"

I don't know what it is but lately i have been atracting only shy guys. Not like oh, it's cute kind of shy but annoying i can't even look at you when i talk to you shy. I almost had a date tonight but this guy Joe but he is so shy it took him 1 week to call me, 2 weeks to ask me out, 1 more week to tell me when the date was gonna be & 1 more week for me to tell him... GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!! This whole process wore me out even before anything happened. I mean this guy couldn't even look at me when we talked... it freaked me out. Oh well, i tried! YOU'RE TOO SHY DUDE!!