frogmom1010's Datingish

Does every date have to lead to something?

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 00:49:08 GMT

I'm ready to take the chance again and I have a date tomorrow night after a long, long winter without anyone and having my heart totally broken. I am really excited about it if i am being honest; the guy is really nice, we seem to have things in common what I can tell so far and he makes me smile-like that. So, my sister (first thing) was like "So, do you think you could have a future with this guy?". REALLY?!?! To be honest I wasn't even thinking about that, it didn't even cross my mind! I am really just looking forward to going out, talking, getting to know each other, just having a nice time. Is it because i am in my 30's & not married that everyone thinks every date at this point has to go "somewhere" ???

Can one wrong take away all the rights?

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 07:15:10 GMT

I saw John today. He dropped off my ring that i had left at his house the last time i was with him-it was the last "thing". I knew he was coming for a few days (we text & he said he'd be here Sunday, today) so i had time to prepare myself. It has been 5 months since it was over between us, "whatever" it was, so i should have been okay with seeing him. I wasn't. I mean part of me was so happy to see him... SO happy; he looked great, cute as ever, omg! i wanted to kiss him so bad. If you only could understand the kissing between us!! The other part of me wanted to break down & cry i have been devastated over him all this time but i didn't want to be selfish as i know i can be & it wouldn't be fair to put him on the spot like that knowing his obvious nonexistent feelings & my obvious exact opposite. Anyway, i wrote him a letter in the days prior, well actually like 3 letters, that i was planning on giving him. I chose one & had it in my pocket when he pulled up, my heart stopped & time (again!), hardly any words came out of my mouth right. Ugh! I did manage to ask him if he was still mad at me (after the ending of "whatever" it was i was devastated & had gone through many, MANY emotions & 2 months after the fact i saw him & we had it out. I was furious & hurt & depressed & not to make any excuses (i am not) drunk as hell. I totally embarrassed him i'm sure but it was NOT my intention; i was hurting & i just needed him to know that & well, he NEVER talks or says anything---i was so frustrated! Okay, so that's it but... i didn't give him the letter. I did ask him if he was still mad at me after making some small talk, he didn't answer. I had said something along the lines of i'm sorry & i wish he could forgive me that i had been through hell (don't hold me word for word). After seeing the look on his face i asked him if he knew what forgiveness means, that forgiving me didn't mean we would have to be together but it would just mean to forgive & let me move on. He said public humiliation was not something he could forgive. Ya know, i am certain he's forgiven people for less in his past, this just can not be the one thing that to him is unforgivable, can it be? I KNOW what i did was ugly, and immature, and stupid to say the least... So what i am really doing here right now is number one i can't stop crying again or sleep & number two i just wanted to write the letter for nothing more than to get it out... you people here have become "my people" & i just gotta get it out right now:

Dear John,

I never get an opportunity to say anything to you so i am going to take whatever little one this gives me!

I wish you could forgive me for that night; i was stupid and immature and if i could take it back i would in a minute i swear (i've told you this)! It drives me crazy to think that is how you remember me now instead of the young girl you once knew all those years ago, the girl who YOU were the first boy she ever kissed, the girl you were crazy about and who you cared for back when or even the woman you found all those years later (23 years later) who was broken down & tired of it all but you showed her how to love someone again-you! the woman who gave you her all, who made love to you all night long with everything she had inside for you or who would have done anything for you and did. Remember her.

Forgiving me (or anyone for that matter) doesn't mean being together again but would just give me some peace & ability to let this situation subside. Knowing that you would care enough to give me that after all i've lost (my dignity, self pride, my heart, etc...) would mean the world to me.

I have had such a hard time moving on after you! Not just the things we'd gone through (i stopped beating myself up over that finally or trying to place blame on anyone and let it go) or the way it ended but all the feelings i had for you and still do. John, it's been TOO much for one person. I went through emotions i didn't even know existed, some i didn't think were even human at times. There are not words really to describe what i have gone through.

Well, 5 months have gone by now and to be honest i still miss you and i still love you. In a perfect world you would come back and love me and be with me forever. I have come back to reality though and i know that is never gonna happen and i accept that and i am okay with that but the not forgiving me part is killing me, each day a piece of me is dying inside.

So now, there is nothing left! I'm here as i have been left to deal with this all on my own, to be honest sometimes i wonder how i am even doing it myself or i am really not. Do you have a heart? Do you hate me that much? Do you just not care. So many things left usaid. It's hard John and after all that we have been through and after all the emotions and feelings and heartbreak and more heartbreak over you is what i am asking greater in comparison?

Susan

WEDNESDAY WEIGHT LOSS CHALLENGE

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 02:32:04 GMT

I DIDN'T FORGET GIRL!!! lol. Anyway... THIS IS A MATTER OF LIFE & DEATH FOR ME NOW! I got bloodwork back again & it was not good, it's my cholesterol & it is high!! It has been slightly high this past year but not too bad, this time was bad. For a 36 year old white female my cholesterol should be about 160, right now it is just over 200... DANGEROUSLY HIGH & I AM SCARED. I am on a "high-risk" chart now; it is a 10 year curve for a HEARTATTACK... ARE YOU KIDDING ME... A HEART ATTACK?!?!? Okay, you don't have to tell me twice... I THINK I'VE LOST 2-4 POUNDS ALREADY THIS WEEK ALONE.

So, (and i am almost embarrassed to post my actual weight for all to see) i am 193 pounds. Ugh! THERE, I DID IT!!! But i bet since that doctor's visit i've lost a couple but i will post it next week, don't forget we made a deal, every Wednesday.

Right now, weight 193, cholesterol 201 (i will let you know new weight next week).

I have cut out EVERYTHING & i mean everything; no fried foods, no cheese, no bread, no meat, nothing bad for you at all. I am eating chicken & salads & fruit & veggies, THAT'S IT, & lots of water. I am doing the treadmill still (5.0 incline for about an hour which is about 2 1/2 miles) & i lift some hand weights. And if i may say so myself i am lookin good too... more importantly... I'M FEELIN GOOD!

Okay, hope your up for this... I'M ALL IN NOW... LIFE OR DEATH!!!!!!!

My Scariest Nightmare - The Uninvited Contest

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 02:21:56 GMT

OMG! When i was little, i mean really little... like 4, 5 & maybe up to 6 i used to have this AWFUL reoccurring nightmare about a lady who had a little tiny body with a HUGE head that was a flaming, bright orange sun. Every night i was PETRIFIED to go to sleep because it felt so real, i was so scared. She used to chase me in my dream & when she would get close & almost catch me, i saw that there was money (dollar bills) stuck to all the flames shooting off!! WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THAT NIGHTMARE?!?! It scared the crap out of me!! Thank God she never caught me... when she would be just so close to grab me i'd wake up SCREAMING!!!

I just blogged about my scariest nightmare to enter The Uninvited Scariest Nightmare Contest for 1,000 credits. You can earn free credits too! Brought to you by The Uninvited - In Theaters January 30th.

Taking one day @ a time!!

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 00:28:51 GMT

After the last post nightmare where i logged on to make my "list" & live my life & saw my whole love story written in someone else's life i decided NOT to let it get me down, well not hold me down (can't lie i got down for a minute, truthfully a day or two but i got right back up!!) i decided i don't need to let a chance blog & a man who doesn't care if i am alive or dead ruin what it is i need to accomplish. I am very proud of myself!! I have been working out every day this week & eating healthy (no small feat) & i am IN THE ZONE!! I am on the road to happiness. Soon i will be buying my own home which makes me even more happy than life itself; you have to be happy on your homefront in order for the rest of life to fall in place. AND... ARE YOU ALL READY... i took John out of "my favs"... WHOOT WHOOT! So now every day, 30 times a day, when i look at my cellphone i don't see his picture to remind myself of what i don't have. I am only focusing on what i do have & what i want. So my plan for right now & i am telling you i have to take it 1 week or even 1 day at a time is to stay eating healthy & working out & work & save money & buy my own home. I can do it, I CAN DO IT!! Who knows what i will do next; maybe take the bracelet off finally!! Stay tuned.

What are all of you doing with the new year??

I'll try again tomorrow...

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 02:31:22 GMT

So, January 2nd, 2009... HERE YOU ARE!!

I didn't want to make "Resolutions" because all they do is set you up for failure. I have been giving alot of wrongs in my life alot of thought thanx to years end & i finally got the time to log on here to write my "List" of the things i would like to accomplish; things like buy a house, buy a new car, lose 30 pounds, laugh more, go to Church more and then the things like remove John out of my "favs" (i know it sounds silly but i have not been able to as of yet!), take off his bracelet finally that is SO a reminder of the second first date when i fell in love with him which to me is a REALLY BIG deal... things to this nature. So i log on... figured i'd read a couple of the recently posted blogs first when i stumble upon this title that caught my eye---the first blog i opened tonight:

The year I finally knew what love was

I'm looking back at 2008. I'm thinking about how lucky I am. I've never looked back at a year and been so satisfied before. Usually I just hope the next year will be better. But 2008 was the best year I've ever had so how can ask for more? I can't. Someone came into my life that has changed me forever. Changed my outlook on life. Changed how I view love. I've never been such an optimistic person.

This man that's now in my life was my very first boyfriend. My first love. We were together when we were 12. I was crazy about him then. I even carved his initials into my arm. I was a messed up child but I've explained some of that in my other post about my father. Of course things didn't last. We grew up living different lives with different friends. I ended up moving to North Carolina when I was 15.

Fast forward 16 years. Still living in NC. Jan 1st of 2008. My 2nd husband has just left me. Says he can't handle it. It takes me 2 weeks to get over him. I had tried breaking it off with him 3 times before but he kept convincing me to give him another chance. So I did. Stupidly.

So 2 weeks later after New Years Day I get a Myspace message from my very first boyfriend. Asking how I am. I tell him about how my husband just left me but I'm fine cause I didn't want to be with him either. We send messages back and forth all day. Then I give him my number so we can talk more. He calls. It's like we've been friends all this time. We have the same sense of humor. We make each other laugh. We talk every single day now. Feelings start to emerge again. But he lives in California. In the same city we grew up in. We decide, because these feelings keep growing, for him to fly out here and see if there's anything to this.

He fly's out in mid February. It turns out the feelings are more intense than we could ever imagine. Nothing like we've ever felt before. It's like we've been together forever. Finishing each others sentences. Understanding the warped sense of humor we have. It's amazing!

So he never left. He's been here ever since. The relationship has been amazing the whole time. I'm completely and totally in love with this man who was my first love. I still have initials carved in my arm. It's like we had to go through all these difficult relationships to end up together at the right time in our lives.

Even if it doesnt last. I will forever remember 2008 as the best year of my life. The year I finally knew what love was.

I MEAN... ARE YOU KIDDING ME... THIS IS MINE & HIS STORY ALL OVER AGAIN!!

He was the first boy i kissed when i was 12, then 23 years later he looked for me on myspace, i fell in love with him, and so on & so on! Things didn't work out for us, there was a very bad ending AND I JUST, FINALLY, GOT THE COURAGE TO GET ON HERE & JUST LAY ALL THIS OUT ON THE LINE & FREAKING MOVE ON, I AM SO SICK OF LOVING A MAN WHO NEVER EVEN CARED ABOUT ME, NEVER LOVED ME, NEVER EVEN HAD ENOUGH RESPECT FOR ME TO END IT TO MY FACE AND DOESN'T EVEN KNOW I EXIST ANYMORE... then the blog i read... THE FIRST ONE!! I didn't want to cry over this anymore, to be honest i didn't think i could... but i am...

I'll try again tomorrow...

Maybe Someday...

Thu, 25 Dec 2008 04:54:53 GMT

this post is not about anyone specifically. just been sitting around thinking about another year that has gone by! this has been the worst & best year i have ever had; my children had big school years (1 in high school & 1 in kindergarten), i lost my home, i met great friends, i've feel in love, suffered a great deal, done things i am not proud of, helped a friend in need. many more things, both good & bad! but the one thing i am thinking about once again as the year comes to an end is how much i really miss having someone to love. there are so many things i miss about just having someone, a partner, a friend, a lover, an everything.

i miss: holding hands, just kissing, kisses on my forehead, just watching him from across the room until he finally realizes that i am looking at him doing nothing, smiling, touching, hugging, being lazy together, going to my favorite stores together, going to his favorite stores together, eating good food together, napping together in the afternoon, listening to him breath in the middle of the night when i should be asleep but i can't stop staring at him, writing him lil love notes just because, listening when he needs someone too, leaving him alone when he needs that eve more, having someone to listen to me when i need someone too, being there for each other no matter what, struggling together and making it through, watching sports together on saturday and sunday, hanging out on most weekends, making him coffee & breakfast in the morning, ironing his clothes, having him sneak home from work for lunch & me, cooking him dinner, making him feel like the king of the world, letting him know there is no other man for me, dancing for him naked, talking dirty to each other on the phone, having phone sex, having lots of hot sex, doing anything he wants me to, doing his laundry, having someone to come home to after a long day at work, phonecalls during the day, letting him know someone is always there for him, loving him, worshiping him, carrying his picture around to look at and kiss when i miss him, having someone to wipe away my tears, wiping away his tears, cheering him up when he is sad, keeping a nice home he can be proud of & love to come home to, making each holiday better than the last, saving lil things from places we've been, going fun places together, hanging out in the sun, hanging out at the beach, hanging out, just laughing, having someone to talk to, having someone to go to for advice, listening to his opinions, listening to all of his hopes & dreams, loving him more than life itself.

no matter what i will never change who i am; i am still a hopeless romantic no matter what the men i've been with have done to me or what i've been through. i will never give up on finding that someone one day.

SCREAMING but noone hears me...

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 05:59:24 GMT

(Preface: read the other blogs if you want to know the whole story about me & him)

If i were not me & i heard my "story" i would think... "Geez girl, get a backbone would ya." or "Get over it already!!" or something like that but... sadly... i AM me & well, i am just SO freaking brokenhearted & i just can NOT get over it, it's pathetic i know. I mean, it's not the terrible things i've done, it's not the things that only we know (well almost only us know), it's not the no goodbye thing... i'm over all that. It's the feelings i've always felt for him, it's the way i still feel inside, the feelings i still have for him, the ache in my chest that will just NOT go away. I miss him still. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions since i met him & i DO want off but i just really, really love him.

I just miss him.

"John, I miss you Baby!"

I AM CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 02:52:17 GMT

I am so not in the mood for this Christmas. Now, i know it's about Jesus & all that---that is not what i am talking about. I mean the whole "traditional holiday thing"... i am not doing it this year. I lost my home & the man i am in love with at the end of this summer, i'm bummed out over it still, the holidays are making it worse or something & i am just not in the mood. I bought my 2 girls some gifts & THAT'S IT!! I didn't decorate, i didn't send cards, i didn't ANYTHING!!

Shy Guys... ugh!!

Sat, 06 Dec 2008 03:51:46 GMT

I don't know what it is but lately i have been atracting only shy guys. Not like oh, it's cute kind of shy but annoying i can't even look at you when i talk to you shy. I almost had a date tonight but this guy Joe but he is so shy it took him 1 week to call me, 2 weeks to ask me out, 1 more week to tell me when the date was gonna be & 1 more week for me to tell him... GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!! This whole process wore me out even before anything happened. I mean this guy couldn't even look at me when we talked... it freaked me out. Oh well, i tried! YOU'RE TOO SHY DUDE!!